Babbling

There’s something about Sundays that make me feel so alone and lonely. It’s always been that way. At this very moment, I’m all by myself inside this room. They all went out. I couldn’t get myself to go with them so I decided to stay here. I also hate that someone’s radio is playing outside and all I hear is the sound of this gloomy music that gives me this depressing feeling. There’s all these things in school that just seem to pile up and I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s plain hard to look at things positively when you know it all boils down to one thing — it’s not going to be okay. God knows how hard I am trying. It’s difficult to see things as they are not. It’s not easy to fight when the fight isn’t fair. I hate how day by day I’m getting worse, over-thinking things, getting all these horrible thoughts locked up inside of me. I want someone to talk to and I’m grateful for Tina for always, always, always being there. Chui’s presence means a lot to me, too. They don’t know it but they’re the ones who keep me going. I know they love me but I hate to bother them because I know they’ve got enough things to mind to. I don’t know why I always feel like I annoy them, especially Chui. I always think that maybe she’s getting tired of me, that’s why I can’t tell her everything. I appreciate it when they try to make me feel better, but we all know that when someone already feels this bad, not even the longest motivational quote there is can make her feel like everything’s going to be okay. I am so pathetic. I don’t want to be that person who needs help, though I’m not saying it’s wrong to need a hand once in a while. I’m too young to feel this unhappy. I’m just tired of feeling like I’m not good enough, that I’ll never be good enough. I’m trying of crying all the time over the same thing. I’m tired. I just want to rest. A little less pain would do.

PS: To my two best friends: Sorry to annoy you, but I just feel better having you around. Allow me to break down sometimes because you see, I’m not as tough as I look.

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I’m Taking Pictures in My Mind So I Can Save Them For a Rainy Day

A very late post from me.

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yay hi there, kuya gar!!

December 17th marked our first day of Christmas vacation and you might be wondering why I’m mentioning that. We had been dreading for that since school resumed after sem break. Seriously. Anyway, my friends and I arranged a slumber/Christmas party right after our last day. We agreed on staying at baby girl’s (Jan) place for a night and simply have fun. I was with a few of my favorite people in this planet for almost two days and those days I had so much fun, I must say. December 19th, that was Thursday morning we met at this mall near Jan’s place and they picked me up. We headed straight to their pad to drop our things and also to wait for Luella. Because we’re all lazy to cook something, we just decided to have our lunch at the mall. Thanks to Kuya Gar for driving us to and fro. Kuya, you’re the best! 

While still in the mall we had had this impromptu kris kringle draw lots before each one of us went for a journey to find a perfect gift. LMAO. Do I really have to use the word journey? We spent almost an hour looking for a perfect gift for the person we got to pick.  What I’m saying is confusing, I know.

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tired

After that we had gone back to the place and then organized our things that looked like a pile of garbage. I’m serious with that. We just left it there because we were in a hurry and I don’t know why. We exchanged gifts and I received books from Jan, which I will include in my next post as part of my December reads.

Luella brought a microphone and a videoke set for us to use the whole night. We even asked permission from some people if we can use it inside the condo unit, but to our dismay I think she bagged the wrong CD or what. The CD wouldn’t play and we downheartedly put it aside. Huhu. My friends and I are all frustrated singers, if you want to know.

After grieving for a few minutes about our failed singing career, if you call that a career lmao, we changed clothes so we could just swim our lungs out.

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faces of unprepared mundanes

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our cutest baby girl (Jan) hahaha she seemed a bit shy in this photo

our cutest baby girl (Jan) hahaha she seemed a bit shy in this photo

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i thought it’s a wacky shot lmao

We spent a few hours practicing our swimming skills (if we have such thing haha), talking endlessly, singing loudly and knocking one another underwater. Chicken fights never get old too. And I like riding on someone during fights. Ha! Dahl wasn’t able to sleep with us, though. She had to go home that same night. 😦 Never do I remember a time when her parent actually let her stay somewhere overnight. 😦

What else could we do? Take innumerable photos. Vanity at its worst.

The three of us watched a movie that night and it’s actually a local movie. We bought the CD from a vendor outside the chateau. AND I REGRET WATCHING IT. Basically I, or should I say we, wasted almost two hours seeing it. I feel sorry for the electricity we did consume. Hahaha. The story line is pointless and I don’t see how this mainstream cinema produced something like that.  It’s a total disaster. Don’t let me say the title. Just please.

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good morning faces

The next morning we rushed to the nearest convenience store to buy some stuff that we needed for making pancakes. We made use of everything that’s inside Jan’s kitchen cabinets. We were like four-year-old kids playing house, trying to survive on our own.

We didn’t leave until noon and the traffic was just unthinkable. The roads seemed to be in permanent gridlock and I swear I wouldn’t want to experience that ever again.

That two days reminded me of all the things I missed. Free days. Late-night sleeps. Endless talks. No alarm clocks to remind us of our hell. I mean school. Haha. I’m missing a lot.

Now that this whole Christmas vacation is about to end, I can’t help but feel sad that everything went by so fast. Ugh. And I don’t like it that once we get back, we’re again to be confined in our school with midterm exams welcoming us. Just wow.

Bye, reader! Until next time! DFTBA.

The title of this post is from Taylor Swift’s song, Stay Beautiful.

True friends are families which you can select. — Audrey Hepburn

God has His ways.

It feels weird and great that after more than a month, I’m sitting here in front of my laptop making an entry.  The past few months weren’t so easy for me and my family. So much had happened in that short span of time making me still left in my adjustment phase. One of that is about my mom. July was the hardest month for us, especially for me and my sister. The hospital seemed to be our second home during those days. We stayed there when we’re not in school. It’s not like we were asked but it’s more of a daughter’s concern and love for her mom. (something like that). Besides, going home never felt right while someone you dearly care for isn’t okay. Home didn’t feel like home. Everything is aware of what was happening and acting like everything’s okay was not a very good option then. Oh I don’t want to go back to that dark chapter of my life. I thought I was losing my Mom, and that’s just unthinkable. Thank God we’re through with that stage.

Of course when we were going through that tough time, I couldn’t help not to feel distracted by that. School was not so friendly either. We had to move back to Pasay, where we used to live before considering staying in Muntinlupa. Everything just got harder. It was never easy to commute from Pasay all the way to Muntinlupa at 5.30 in the morning every single day. It’s not like I have other choices, though.

Despite all of that, I still feel blessed. I never thought that God doesn’t care about me. Instead, I accepted everything as a test and thought that He only wants us to realize things that we often neglect to think about. Maybe He saw that we need to be bonded even more. I just don’t know if that’s really the case. Those adversities made me stronger and braver.

Yes. We were in deep worry and nothing seemed to be going right that time, but He let me see that there’s still so much to smile about; that even though I’m having a rough month, I can still be happy; that despite everything, I can still smile. Blessings continue to pour. I mean it. Pour.

My Mom continues to be in good health; we’re almost in the end of our adjusting season; I was chosen as one of the nominees for AYLC; I got the highest and indeed very high grade in our Cost exam; I was included in the seven people who passed the first half of our Accounting subject; high grades even in my minor. Do you know how that feels, reader? When you had already conditioned yourself that you’re going to fail the exam, even worse, the subject, then you ended having the highest score and even better, passing the subject! It was more like a miracle on my part, okay? I was close to crying because of joy. I’m grateful.

I know that I will be bombarded by more trials in the future, but who cares? God is with me.

Behind every trial and sorrow that He makes us shoulder, God has a reason. — Khaled Hosseini (A Thousand Splendid Suns)

50 Minutes

When the sun has begun to set
And her twisted mind started to pirouette
She thought of the shiny little shells
That time has thrown inside those deep dark wells

Hundreds and thousands of hours have left
Even her heart thinks it's some kind of theft
In her inside appears another well
Drowning her entirely like she's in hell

On the back of her head it's not the same
A whisper insists it's extremely lame
Not to care for herself but for the shells
And even more her stomach swells

Fixing her gaze back upon the sun
She worn herself out that she can't even run
Exhaustion won as reality steps back in
After that 50 minutes of gloom she was in

Thank you.

I think I mentioned it before how I hate myself for being stubborn when it comes to a few things. Even though I know for a fact that I was partly wrong too, I just can’t muster up the courage to do the first move. Why do I feel like it’s not my fault when I know I am involved too? My thoughts are torturing me sometimes, and just sparing my heart with all those horrible ideas for most times. I’ve been reflecting lately about what’s really bugging me, and then it hits me. The people who can hurt us in a really unfathomable way are the ones who we love being with the most. It’s funny that there are a few who are way concerned than us, that they even talked to me in a serious manner and their faces, voice and even the simplest of gestures show genuine sadness. They can’t believe how something that was once so shiny turned into something extremely dull. What’s even worse is that if some people are way too concerned, there are also people who can’t seem to prevent their noses from meddling. I hate it. You’re making everything worse. Maybe I just want to say thank you to that person I had the chance to talked with yesterday. That one may be absent-minded every day, but I swear you can easily talk to her and whatever she said made real sense.

Driving taught me…

keep going

I promised myself to learn at least one new thing a year. Last year I learned how to swim, and that’s pretty much a milestone for me since I used to be terrified when bodies of water are involved. I thought that I wasn’t making the most of everything so I pledge to keep learning new things, basically to keep growing. This summer I’m into driving. My sister and I’s seven-day driving course ended yesterday. I wanted to tell you, reader about it ever since we started the lesson, but the schedule didn’t let me. I woke up and headed there way too early for the past week, and once I arrived home, I’m one tired porcupine. We’re driving an automatic car and I think that’s what makes it as easy as pie for us. We’ve had two instructors and they’re both expert, I must say. Our first instructor was a perfectionist of some sort, and I couldn’t help not to feel tensed, but what’s good is that I learned in less than half an hour. The second one, Sir Joey, was real witty in his own way that we pretty much laugh every day inside the car while driving. He never ran out of words to say, be it about encouragement, jokes, and whatnot. It feels amazing, how something that once seemed so foreign to you, now feels like you’re doing it ever since you became aware of it.

Driving taught me..

  • ..that I must not do things on impulse. Lives are at stake, and they’re something that cannot be returned once lost.
  • ..that it’s better to do things slowly if you’re not ready yet, rather than be sorry in the end.
  • ..that there will be uneven surfaces, and you cannot just stop just because it becomes hard.
  • ..that patience is the key. The destination can be nowhere in sight at the moment, but just wait, keep on driving, keep the patience in place, and you’ll get there in no time.
  • ..that sometimes it doesn’t matter who got to a certain place first. Sometimes what matters is whether you got there or not.
  • ..that nothing’s boring when you have people you dearly treasure riding with you.
  • ..that sometimes it’s not about getting there in the end. It’s about the longevity of the ride and what happened in that span of time.
  • ..that there will always be twist and turns and I have to get used to that, or else I’ll be lost.

And last but definitely not the least, I was taught to not stop. Keep going. It’s worth it.

Around here, however, we don’t look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things, because we’re curious…and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths. — Walt Disney Company

Here’s To The Six-Year-Old Me Crying The Entire Niagara Falls

Day 31, May 31st, Friday: A vivid memory

First off, I’m giving myself my biggest awkward hug for making it to the last day of this challenge. You too? Oopss. Come here. I’m giving away free hugs!! Anyway, this is pretty weird. This is the last day and I had a hard time choosing on what to write. I’ve got tons of memories I want to share and since it’s not memories  that’s written there, I’m giving only one of my earliest memories of my mom and I back when I was six years old during my supposedly first day of school.

Twelve years ago, my mom enrolled me to the nearest kindergarten within our barangay (more like village, but not really). At home I was the most excited kid in the universe. I remember not being able to sleep the night before. My mom talked to me way too seriously about how I should behave nicely in school and that I should try to get along well with the other kids. Then the most-awaited day came. We prepped up for my first day, thinking that everything would be okay. We finally went to the place and saw a considerable number of kids already there. The teacher called them for assembly as my mom went in front and tell her that I’m joining the class. They exchanged words, nods and smiles thinking that I can spend the afternoon all by myself without any hassle. When my mom was about to make her exit, it’s like I was poured a glass of icy cold water. I realized I couldn’t let her leave. Why? I DIDN’T KNOW. Until now, I don’t know. What I did was I held the hem of her duster and didn’t let go until she told me we’re going home. I CRIED THE ENTIRE NIAGARA FALLS. It involved sobbing, sobbing and sobbing.

That’s how my first day went. They tried sending me again the next day, but nothing changed. They just decided that I better enrolled directly to first grade by next year.

I am remembering it now. ― Liz Rosenberg, The Laws of Gravity