Babbling

There’s something about Sundays that make me feel so alone and lonely. It’s always been that way. At this very moment, I’m all by myself inside this room. They all went out. I couldn’t get myself to go with them so I decided to stay here. I also hate that someone’s radio is playing outside and all I hear is the sound of this gloomy music that gives me this depressing feeling. There’s all these things in school that just seem to pile up and I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s plain hard to look at things positively when you know it all boils down to one thing — it’s not going to be okay. God knows how hard I am trying. It’s difficult to see things as they are not. It’s not easy to fight when the fight isn’t fair. I hate how day by day I’m getting worse, over-thinking things, getting all these horrible thoughts locked up inside of me. I want someone to talk to and I’m grateful for Tina for always, always, always being there. Chui’s presence means a lot to me, too. They don’t know it but they’re the ones who keep me going. I know they love me but I hate to bother them because I know they’ve got enough things to mind to. I don’t know why I always feel like I annoy them, especially Chui. I always think that maybe she’s getting tired of me, that’s why I can’t tell her everything. I appreciate it when they try to make me feel better, but we all know that when someone already feels this bad, not even the longest motivational quote there is can make her feel like everything’s going to be okay. I am so pathetic. I don’t want to be that person who needs help, though I’m not saying it’s wrong to need a hand once in a while. I’m too young to feel this unhappy. I’m just tired of feeling like I’m not good enough, that I’ll never be good enough. I’m trying of crying all the time over the same thing. I’m tired. I just want to rest. A little less pain would do.

PS: To my two best friends: Sorry to annoy you, but I just feel better having you around. Allow me to break down sometimes because you see, I’m not as tough as I look.

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I’m Still Here, But It Hasn’t Been Easy

Right this very moment, I don’t actually have a concrete idea about what I really want to write. So reader, excuse the level of randomness that this post is heading its way to this time. It’s sad that there were several things that happened for the past months that I consider pretty huge, and yet I didn’t have the guts to write about those, out of fear of underplaying those important moments. I wanted to post a whole bunch of pictures and just try to remember every single thing that happened, to be able to go back to that certain point in time when I was actually happy. But I don’t know how. Maybe I’m just scared because I know for a fact that I’m not good enough to write something about that certain event, that I might just lose its meaning, and yet, I want to see my page and be able to see something that reminds me of that day. I’m sure I don’t actually make sense, but whatever. I miss the way I didn’t usually get tired of talking about how my day went, how happy I was with the people who mean so much to me.

I once thought if it’s possible to miss someone you see every single day, and I guess the answer is yes. Because I miss my best friend. I miss how close we were. I miss those days when she used to be my study buddy. I miss how we never kept secrets to each other.  I miss the way everything was so great between the two of us. I miss the way she actually made time for us, her friends. I miss the way I never did hesitate to tell her what’s on my mind. I miss those days when we used to always, always, always have each other. God, I just miss her. And I don’t have the fucking courage to tell her how I really feel because a) I don’t want to be that person who needs someone to depend on, b) I’m afraid she might cut me off completely, especially when someone I loathe is involved, and c) I don’t know, okay? God, I feel miserable.

I still sometimes find myself looking for that girl I used to know, that person who never backed down, that girl who never let anything get in her way, that same old selfless person who never once failed to treat everyone with kindness no matter how much they have wronged her, a.k.a. the old me, circa 2012. Looking back to the old days, I feel stupid to let so much to happen. It felt like I didn’t do my best to take care of things when I actually had the chance to.  I no longer know what would make me happy. I can’t even understand myself most of the time. I try to be better. God, I really am, but bad things still keep on happening. Sometimes I hate the person I’ve become. If only I could get things to the way they once were I would. God, I would. Trust me, reader. There’s nothing I would give to bring back the old me. I’m trying to find and get her back, I really do.

I am trying my hardest to let go of this blanket of bitterness that has been enveloping me since I don’t remember when. So much things had happened and I just grew exhausted of being exhausted, being sad over the same thing and same person every day. I hate to live every day, just merely trying to get everything over with. I’m just tired of being sad.

I just want THIS to be over.

Tears are words that need to be written. — Paulo Coelho

The title is from James Morisson’s song, This Boy.

We Have Each Other to Lean On For the Road Ahead

Growing up, I was surrounded with such amazing people whom I called friends. They turned into people I can’t imagine myself living without — my non-biological family. They so much played significant roles in my pretty messed-up life. They witnessed me grow into who I am now. They felt my pain when I was going through rough times; they smiled with me when things were working well for me in many ways. They show me what it’s like to be able to realize who I really am.  They’ve come to accept the fact that I’m flawed, because we all are. They see my capabilities when I, myself, no longer believe that I can. They’re my eyes when I am too busy with some other things; they’re my ears when I’m being consumed by my thoughts that I can’t hear what I have to; they’re my mouth when I can’t speak on my own; they’re my feet that take me to places I’ve never been before. I sometimes think like I’ve been so blessed with such awesome people that I feel like I don’t deserve them. They are my precious gems. Little do they know how grateful I am to have them in my life. People, you know who you are. Thank you.

“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.” — Elbert Hubbard

The title is from Miley Cyrus’ song, Wherever I Go.

This Life Is Sweeter Than Fiction

I don’t sound totally obsessed with Taylor’s new song, do I?

bw

Don’t you just love it when life can be such a wicked witch at times and without you knowing it, you could actually break the spell that was cast on you? Uhmm, you don’t get it? Me neither. Yeah, but kidding aside, it’s just wonderful to rekindle a friendship with someone.  I had read once about how you’re supposed to not miss people who don’t miss you at all. For the past six months that we’re not uttering a single syllable to each other, we went separate ways. By that, we joined different sets of friends. Mine just happened to be more mature, more understanding, more trustworthy *insert more positive traits here* than hers.  I’m not saying they’re not; all I’m saying is that some people really are greater when it comes to a few things. Within those excruciating months, it was like a battle of who’s better at ignoring the other. I’m perfectly good at that, I must say. LOL. I thought I was the only one who wanted everything to be the same again, but I was terribly wrong. It was a horrible idea at first, but  there are things that are never late for some reasons. Things like rebuilding a friendship. I didn’t know why we didn’t sort out things the way we should have way earlier. I didn’t know why my stubbornness got the better of me. I didn’t know why she had to listen to her friends. I didn’t know why we both looked past of the important matters that we should have better taken care of. Despite all of that, I think it’s no longer important to recall some things. There are moments when constantly looking back in the past just gives you this flipping feeling in the stomach. You’ll just know it’s a waste of time. Instead, why not focus on the present? This is why as much as possible, I don’t want to mention here all the gory details that happened these past months. October wasn’t so good, given that it’s my birth month. How cool’s that? Oh! I learned a few things, though!

  • Crying can be such a great way to release tension, pain, pressure. Name it and nothing can be cured by it, maybe not permanently, but at least you’ll feel better.
  • There are some people who you can’t hate. It’s when they keep on disappointing you, yet you can’t force yourself to dislike them, at the very least.
  • No matter how hard you try to see goodness in someone, you’ll just tire yourself. Even that person seems to have given up on that a long time ago.
  • You can’t expect people to like you. I, myself, wasn’t born a pleaser, but at least I know how to show respect even if the person in front of me has the attitude of someone you want to constantly punch in the face. They can at least respect you, can’t they? I’m not so sure about that anymore. No matter how kind you treat others, some people don’t just feel like appreciating it. They’ll always think you’re being fake, that you’re thinking of something deep down inside.
  • You can’t trust anyone but yourself. It’s pretty much self-explanatory.
  • I know people do change, but it’s just lately that I realized how they can completely turn into the people they swore they’d never be. It’s like you don’t know them any longer. All you see is a shadow of someone who was once there.
  • It’s true! It’s difficult not being able to eat given that the reason is pressure and pain. I missed my appetite. Thank God, it’s back!
  • Nothing beats the feeling of being surrounded by people who reek of positivity. They’re the ones who you can just love and love and love no matter what.
  • Being called something bad by someone who’s being eaten down by her own insecurity doesn’t hurt. It only shows how immature that person can be.

Reader, I think there still are missing pieces of the puzzle about this whole thing that happened, inside your head. I’m sorry if I can’t make you understand everything the way I desperately want you to. It’s just that so much had happened and they’re sort of irrelevant to be remembered. Life’s too short to fill this blog with nonsensical things but pure awesomeness. I was indeed an emotional wreck and in spite all those things, I couldn’t believe I even joked about how I should have written a book about how melodramatic I was. I laugh ’til my sides hurt whenever I remember how much of a mess I was. Maybe this is because I read too much fiction, but there’s no such thing as too much when reading, right? Anyway, this is becoming some sort of a novel here. Bye! DFTBA.

And in this perfect weather
It’s like we don’t remember
The rain we thought would last forever and ever

– Sweeter Than Fiction, Taylor Swift

50 Minutes

When the sun has begun to set
And her twisted mind started to pirouette
She thought of the shiny little shells
That time has thrown inside those deep dark wells

Hundreds and thousands of hours have left
Even her heart thinks it's some kind of theft
In her inside appears another well
Drowning her entirely like she's in hell

On the back of her head it's not the same
A whisper insists it's extremely lame
Not to care for herself but for the shells
And even more her stomach swells

Fixing her gaze back upon the sun
She worn herself out that she can't even run
Exhaustion won as reality steps back in
After that 50 minutes of gloom she was in

Thank you.

I think I mentioned it before how I hate myself for being stubborn when it comes to a few things. Even though I know for a fact that I was partly wrong too, I just can’t muster up the courage to do the first move. Why do I feel like it’s not my fault when I know I am involved too? My thoughts are torturing me sometimes, and just sparing my heart with all those horrible ideas for most times. I’ve been reflecting lately about what’s really bugging me, and then it hits me. The people who can hurt us in a really unfathomable way are the ones who we love being with the most. It’s funny that there are a few who are way concerned than us, that they even talked to me in a serious manner and their faces, voice and even the simplest of gestures show genuine sadness. They can’t believe how something that was once so shiny turned into something extremely dull. What’s even worse is that if some people are way too concerned, there are also people who can’t seem to prevent their noses from meddling. I hate it. You’re making everything worse. Maybe I just want to say thank you to that person I had the chance to talked with yesterday. That one may be absent-minded every day, but I swear you can easily talk to her and whatever she said made real sense.